All over New York, bagel purists are dying inside as yet another effrontery to traditional bagelry hits grocery store shelves.

Kraft Foods Global, Inc. has just unveiled a new product called “Bagel-Fuls.” A frozen, six-inch, Twinkie-shaped bar filled with a squirt of Philadelphia cream cheese, this “food” can be consumed straight out of the refrigerator, microwaved, or toasted.
A true bagel has a laborious production process—after the dough is prepared and shaped, it is proofed for at least 12 hours at 40-50 degrees Fahrenheit, boiled, and finally baked between 350 and 600 degrees Fahrenheit, resulting in a dense, chewy texture, and a shiny outer crust.

Such bagels are an increasingly rare find in the city—the typical bagel is much more likely to have been baked in an oven equipped with a stamp injection system, which requires handling of the dough only during the shaping stage, skipping the boiling.
Kraft representatives are not authorized to give information about how Kraft products are manufactured, but it seems safe to guess that the Bagel-Ful is not made according to either of these standard methods. Along with the disturbing cylinder shape, the nutrition label makes it clear that, à la Cheez Whiz, Bagel-Fuls are more “bagel-product” than actual bagel. Their ingredient list includes elements such as “stabilizers,” “dough conditioner,” hydrogenated oils, and several unpronounceable chemicals—this item is clearly a corruption of food the way nature intended.

Just last week, however, Kraft held a launch party for the Bagel-Ful at the Bagel and Bean restaurant located at 1710 Broadway. The View’s Joy Behar was on location passing out free samples of all the Bagel-Ful varieties: cinnamon with cinnamon cream cheese, whole grain with plain cream cheese, and plain with plain, chive, or strawberry cream cheese. “A lot of local New Yorkers came out for the event,” a Kraft representative said. As far as the taste, “people were pleasantly surprised.” It is important to note, however, that the sample Bagel-Fuls tasted by New Yorkers were served toasted, according to Kraft’s preferred method.

Doesn’t having to toast the thing in order to make it taste halfway decent negate the product’s ultimate convenience factor? Personally, I would rather sacrifice thirty seconds or so to spread my own cream cheese on a real bagel, or even the five minutes it takes to get someone to do it for you at Pinnacle, than ingest something that tastes more like it came from a chemistry lab than a kitchen.

While Bagel-Fuls are being marketed as a smaller, less caloric (at 200 calories each), and more convenient (if not tastier) alternative to the real thing, it’s unlikely that they will even put a dent in sales of real New York bagels. However, as long as there are people who believe that there aren’t enough seconds in the day, as well as people who are simply lazy, products such as the Bagel-Ful are likely to stay on the market—at least for a little while.