The Best Senior Column of the Year

For over 300 years, or something, the Columbia Daily Spectator has provided dedicated coverage to stories that matter to Columbia students, such as football scores and racist things people scrawled somewhere. This is very important for helping Columbia students understand the busy campus around them, and, perhaps, if they read their college newspaper in college, they will someday “graduate” to real newspapers, like the New York Times or the Orlando Sentinel.

Many of the people who work at Spectator also hope to work for real newspapers someday. This is less true of people who write for the Arts & Entertainment section, which is sort of like the college newspaper of the college newspaper. Or, no: It’s like if Spectator is the menu at Red Lobster, then the Arts section is like the Kids’ Menu at Red Lobster. Instead of hoping to work for real newspapers, most of the people in the Arts section hope to work for Red Lobster, or, failing that, New York magazine.

Usually in the Arts section, there are articles about who our favorite TV actors are (Kristen Bell) and what the best music is (Sister Hazel). Sometimes, we explain the plot of a book or a movie so that people will be informed about it before they read or watch it. It would be a shame, we think, if people had to read a book or watch a movie and not know what the plot was before they read or watched it!

My job at Spectator was editor of the Arts section. Before that, I was Books editor for the Arts section. Before that, I was editor of Brian Mochizuki’s pick-up lines, which was how I got a music column during my first year. It is obvious to most people who survey my time at Spectator that I was the best Editor that has ever worked at the paper. When people tell me this, on the street, I just bite the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling too hard. I’d rather have to spit out a little blood than be guilty of the sin of pride!

In my time at Spectator, there were certainly a lot of adventures. Often, on the roof, my friends from Spectator and I would smoke cigarettes and say things about Spectator to each other. We said things like, “Oh man, I can’t believe we’re up here smoking instead of finishing the paper!” and “No, I totally think you guys have been really discreet. I didn’t even know until you told me just now.” Sometimes, in the office, some of the Older Editors would bring beer, and once all the work was done, we would clink our beers together and say, “A job well done!” and “I’m only going to have one tonight because I plan on going to my morning academic class.” These were the times I will always remember.

It wasn’t all fun and games at Spectator, though. In fact, most of the time, it was a lot of work! There I was, in the office, having to edit all the terrible writing that people brought to me. For example, someone might write the sentence “The Arcade Fire is the best band that ever put out an album and I want to suck all of their cocks.” It would be my job to change it to, “While Arcade Fire’s new album offers more of the same dynamically emotional crescendos, their lyrical honesty and predilection for political honesty render them unique candidates for group fellatio.” I spent about 16 hours a day in the office making changes like this, and no, I don’t regret even one minute of it.

The real truth is that I learned everything I know about interviewing and reviewing from Spectator. I learned that you should always bring a tape recorder to an interview, so that later you can listen to what the person said and write it down. I learned that when you are reviewing something, you should keep your opinion secret, so that you don’t sound like a know-it-all. I learned that Guided by Voices is the only band worth listening to.

But of course, what I really learned is that friendship is the most important thing you can win at Spectator. If not for Spectator, I might have gone through my whole life thinking that you had to be intelligent or interesting or play sports to go to Columbia. It’s not true! If you are ever feeling bad about yourself because of your looks or personality, just remember that us people at Spectator have it even worse than you.

But, I think, maybe we don’t have it worse. Because maybe in a thousand years, when the whole world is under water or whatever, our words will live on and be considered a great accomplishment of the human race. And some guy will read this column and say, “Hey, you know who was maybe the greatest writer of the 21st century?” And all the people who he is talking to will say, “Andrew Martin.”

The author is a Columbia College senior majoring in English and comparative literature. He was Books editor on the 130th Associate Board and Arts and Entertainment editor on the 131st Managing Board.