Article Image
Columbia Spectator Staff

In lieu of this week's Shock and Awe column, the authors have decided to run an interesting letter we received this week. Shock and Awe will return to its regular bi-weekly schedule on Oct. 14.

Dear Shock and Awe,
One of my friends is missing! I know it's a little weird to ask Spec to help me find him, but his friends are getting worried. Let's see, I guess there are some things you should know so you can print a missing report:

He likes to talk about how much money he has (ick!), but he doesn't really like to share. And his hair is a little floppy. Er, maybe I'm being cruel and petty? He hates that.

Bill O'Reilly is, like, his biggest fan. He even gave Columbia a great little nickname—University of Havana Central. Isn't that sweet? They must have gone to Happy Hour together. This was last year, when my friend had all kinds of buddies over with weird names and tons of bodyguards. I would think that would get kinda annoying after a while, but I guess my friend is kinda famous, so it makes sense that he'd have famous friends.

Unfortunately, the guy is a little looped. He walks around like he owns the place, when clearly that's some guy named Herodotus. Why else would his name be so big on that library? He won't even let us near his friend Alma, but she's boring as bronze so it's no biggy. Seriously, there's something weird going on there, even though we sorta thought he had a thing for Brinkley.

Anyway, our friend holds high court at these little chat thingies a bunch of times per year. But get this—you have to apply to get in. Some dinner party! AND he has the best housing on campus. WTF.

This one time early in September I saw him running in Morningside Park, but there were all these kids creepily following him, so I dunno what that's about. I guess we don't see him there much because hey, who likes being the pied piper? Or maybe it's because he'd have to change out of his suit more than once a year.

Plus, he usually likes to make his opinions known. I totally agree with him about ROTC, but I've been trying to convince him about Manhattanville for a while. He's pretty nice about hearing my views—something about the First Commendment he's rattling on about constantly. I guess he learned about it growing up in Michigan with those brothers Gratz and Grutter.

Although I think he actually grew up in California, which is probably why he's so into Columbia being a big global school. Global, global, global—he's like a broken record! I mean, California is far far, but still. He almost went on a trip to Iran or Iraq or one of those places, but apparently a bunch of his professors wrote a letter to the newspaper, and he didn't get to go.

The guy owns half of Manhattan. I know, I know, everyone talks about how the Church owns all the real estate around here, but our buddy means business. He's always getting in scrapes with the tenants about who blighted what and where to stick new psychology buildings for his uncle Kluge.

So can you please, please help us find him? There have been a bunch of meetings I know people would have liked to have seen him at. Like all the CCSCTBQ meetings about the military. He should have been there, but he wasn't. All we got was a lousy e-mail. It's no fair for him to drop in on us periodically with his weird friends from the U.N., which I'm pretty sure is that trendy new part of Brooklyn. We're his friends and we deserve a little more TLC.

Basically, it's just that I'm used to seeing him around more, making his presence known on campus. We're like totes friends, and I like him and everything (mostly), but where has the guy been this year? MIA, that's where! The thing is, we just want our friend back. To hang out with, chat with after class. We just want to see him around College Walk like the good old days. Is that so much to ask?

Sincerely,
[Redacted]

So here's the Missing Persons Report, as requested: If you encounter a person of this description, please submit all sightings to the Bwog comment section, where the authors of the letter will no doubt be lurking. Look for a tuft of dirty blonde comb-over waving in the autumn breeze. We'll be in Hungarian contemplating the fate of the subaltern. Happy hunting!

See you in two weeks,
Shock and Awe

Sarah Leonard is a Columbia College junior majoring in history. Kate Redburn is a Columbia College junior majoring in history and African studies.
Shock and Awe runs alternate Tuesdays.
Opinion@columbiaspectator.com

Shock and Awe Bollinger
ADVERTISEMENT
Newsletter