As the first week of classes comes to a close, it's time to remember the summer that was and to consider the year that will be. It's difficult to summarize a summer (to summerize it, if you will), but I'll do my best. I live in Brooklyn, where the weather was somewhat warm. If you live somewhere else, you can take this time to think about the weather you experienced this summer. Also, Michael Jackson passed away. I know that because I went to his birthday party in Prospect Park. Normally, when I go to a birthday party in the park, it is because I am celebrating the birthday of a friend or other living person. Michael Jackson is not my friend, and he is also dead—but he was very famous, so it was OK for me to go to his party. We must carry the memory of Michael Jackson/the warmth of summer into the semester ahead of us. If you're new to the Columbia community, a semester is 16 weeks long. If a semester were a fetus, by December it would have a robust heart, pumping more than 24 quarts of blood per day. If you feel something kicking you in the stomach, don't worry (it's just the baby semester's adorable little feet). The last (but not least) lesson of the waning aestival season is that it is time to explore the burgeoning market of books for women who want to meet attractive men. When I say burgeoning, I mean that there is a market for these books. Someone sent one to be reviewed by the arts and entertainment section of Spectator, and therefore we know it exists. According to a number of surveys my roommate told me about, there are a lot more women than men at Columbia, so this book will be very useful for students here. The tract in question, titled "Screw Cupid: The Sassy Girl's Guide to Picking Up Hot Guys" by leading literary light Samantha Scholfield, is a veritable treasure trove of useful tips for landing a "Hot Guy." For example, Hot Guys like dogs (they also like hot dogs). If you pick up a Hot Guy, however, it is critical to remember the "well-known fact that the smaller the dog, the bigger the ego and therefore the bigger the internal misconception about one's actual size." In other words, if you have a little dog, it will have a big ego and misconceptions, because a dog does not know what an ego is. And if it's a dachshund, it thinks it's a Great Dane. Dogs always think they're bigger than they are. That's one of their misconceptions. There's an upside to dogs' misconceptions: If you go for a walk with your dog, there is a good chance you will later have sexual congress with a Hot Guy. Now, lovely ladies, I should note that it's illegal to have pets in your dorm room. Also, now that I've written this article, many Hot Guys will have heard all about dogs and their superegos and stuff, so the novelty factor will be gone and the Hot Guy will be all too cold. Unless you get a really humble dog who can dupe the Hot Guy into thinking he doesn't have a misconcepted ego. But in case that doesn't work, Scholfield suggests engaging the Hot Guy in stimulating conversation. In the past, you may have been told it is bad form to pick a guy up by saying, "Where do you stand on abortion?" That is why you are alone right now. There's nothing wrong with asking the Hot Guy this highly stimulating question—just be diplomatic. The book recommends saying, "My friends and I were having this really intense conversation... about abortion." Immediately, he will know you have friends, and also that you have heard of abortion. Then you won't even need a book. Or a dog. Remember that dogs are misconceived and books contain misinformation. Misinformation is not the female version of information—rather, it is the kind of lousy information that will prevent you from attracting a Hot Guy. Instead of telling the guy that he is a humble dog or inquiring whether his mother ever had an abortion, invite him to a birthday party. That may sound conventional, but you have an ace up your sleeve (remember to wear a shirt with sleeves). The birthday party is for a dead guy. As soon as the guy realizes that he has been misled about the aliveness of the birthday boy, he will see you are a master in the art of deceit and develop a burning desire for you. This will be especially true if you have a dog. Women of Columbia and Barnard, consider your problems solved. The author is a Columbia College junior. He is a Spectator copy staffer and deputy editor, features for The Eye. "Summer lovin'" is an installment of Summer Dispatches, an opinion feature series that seeks to showcase the diverse summer experiences of members of the Columbia community.
Illustration by Ramsey Scott