Dear Ferris, It's been many months since our first encounter, and what promised to be a healthy relationship has turned out to be anything but. As much as I don't want to hurt your feelings, I can safely say it's not me: it's you. After the jump is is part one of my list of grievances specifically pertaining to the room in Lerner with the awkward staircase, otherwise known as Ferris. more Breakfast: There is a 75% chance the coffee machines are not working, and in the rare event that they are, the coffee tastes like sewage water. You can wait in line for what seems to be longer than the duration of the Trojan War, only to encounter eggs faker than Nikki Minaj's ass. Or, if you actually want to get to your 9am on time (why the fuck did we choose 9am classes again?), proceed towards the vat of mucus also known as oatmeal. But don't you worry, don't you worry child. Heaven has a pound of sugar-drenched granola making this otherwise torturous experience somewhat bearable. Your safest bet is a real-egg omelet followed by some fruit pineapples(lets be serious, everything else is out of season and therefore inedible) or a banana the size of my arm. Maybe check out the bread options but don't count on the toaster to turn that stale bagel into a French baguette. Lunch: 1pm is prime time. Be prepared to encounter everyone you've ever met, including that one creepy kid from NSOP who followed you back to your room. Points for persistence? I think not. You can check out the still available breakfast options, but my guess is after that grueling chem lab, you'll want something that reminds you that there is still goodness in the world, and chances are the Ferris sausages won't hit the spot. Last semester you might not have wanted to wait a casual lifetime in the pasta line, but they have heard our cries and now offer shitake FUCKING mushrooms making the wait worth your while. Dinner: Not the most social dinner scene. Plus, toss in the exact same options you had at lunch and you've got yourself a dining hall experience about as exciting as a Furnald party. But hold onto your hats, there's a vast variety of ice cream options to choose from. And by vast variety, I mean you better fucking love vanilla. Now this is just one dining hall. The tip of the iceberg of the issues in our relationship. We have issues, yes but I know in the end we can work through them. That being said, the woman who swipes me in and the nice man who mops the floors is the true healthy start to my morning. Author's Note On Nutella: While the whole world may be astonished at our insane consumption of this culinary hazelnut gift, we at Columbia understand that our obsession with Nutella derives from the fact that it's the ONLY thing that satisfies our hunger. In a dining hall where most of the food tastes like plastic and oil, Nutella might as well be a six-course dinner downtown.