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We're back with the worst advice imaginable! Remember: we depend on you as much as you (completely) depend on us. Submit a question to us so you can give back to your personal saviors!

The hardest thing about helping people is knowing that you can't help everyone. We keep suggesting to Spectrum (and we're sure you are too---keep those emails and anonymous threats coming!) that our column go from weekly to hourly, but the powers that be are too narrow-minded and jealous to understand all the good we could be doing. To reach out to all you poor souls whose questions we've neglected over the past few months, this rapid-fire edition is for you!

Inferiority Complex asks:

My boyfriends ex is really hot and older and smarter and she goes here and I don't know what to do about it. Halpppp

Get a new boyfriend. If his ex is that much better than you and he's still dating you, he must be nuts! You don't want to be dating someone who lacks the ability to reason and think logically. His horrible misjudgment is probably a reflection of deeper psychological issues. In fact, he might be a serial killer. Run for your life!

Rapid answers for rapid questions.

Thirsty in Butler asks:

How do I seduce the soda machine?

Before you go down this road, we should warn you: not everyone will be as open-minded about your object love as we are. We here at DTD support relationships of all kinds, be they man-woman, man-man, woman-woman, cat-dog, Democrat-Republican, even human-machine. How receptive to your advances has the soda machine been thus far? Does it flash when you walk? Beep extra loud when you slide your quarters into its slot? Give you an extra Diet Coke and a wink when you make a purchase (a vending machine wink, for the uninformed, is when it turns off and then on again in a seeming call for repairs)? If it seems into you, you should make your interest known by purchasing drinks only from this machine. Be persistent; once your teeth rot and your insides melt from an aspartame overdose, the soda machine will know you're serious.

Shortie asks:

I'm a freshman and 5' but the guy I like is a junior and 6' 3" is that too big of a height difference? I worry yes.

Yes, definitely. Height is the #1 predictor of success in a relationship. Do you ever see great danes and chihuahuas out on dates? Didn't think so.

Leggy Blonde asks:

I gave my number to a really cute waiter. He texted me but now I don't know what to do! HELPPPPP!

DO NOT RESPOND! Waiters do not communicate like other humans. You can only speak to a through the language of menus. Go back to the restaurant and make sure you're seated in his section. Order a salad with walnuts, cranberries, and arugula. This next part is essential: eat exactly half the salad. When he comes back and asks if you enjoyed it, reply "not as much as I would have enjoyed a bowlful of you ;)" (actually say "semi-colon close-parenthesis"). Success guaranteed.

Too Young asks:

How do you get over someone without closure?

closure do-the-donts leggy-blonde soda-machine waiter
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