As found in the waste bin in one of the conference rooms at the Center for Career Education.
To Whom It May Concern,
I write to express my interest in the position of Financial Analyst at J.P. Morgan. Based on the career efforts of my friends, I've deduced that following college you can a) go into banking, b) move back in with your parents, or c) resort to prostitution. Seems like a pretty easy choice!
You'll see on my resume that I may not have the conventional background of someone interested in the position, but I'd like to explain how I'm still an excellent candidate. I am not an economics major, but I am a classics major, and, after all, the word economics is merely a derivative of the Greek words oikos and nomos, meaning yogurt and gnomes, respectively. That alone should show you the extent of my academic preparation.
As for professional experience, I cannot boast of working at any financial institutions. However, I did work for the Bronx Zoo during the summer after 8th grade, where I was in charge of restocking the food for the big cats. How better to learn about fat cats than by actually feeding lions and tigers? I rest my case.
Thank you for your consideration, and I hope to be hearing from you!
Dear Prospective Employer,
I'd like to apply for the recently vacated position of Marketing Director at Gold Bullion International. I know for a fact that the previous holder of this job died in the past week from an apparent poisoning of his pumpkin spice latte. After taking a moment to grieve, I think we should view this as an opportunity to move on and replace him with someone who really, really wants his job and would do quite a bit to get it. Like me. For personal reasons, I cannot give you my home address or phone number. If you'd like to contact me, you may leave a sealed letter on the bench next to the 116th Street entrance to Riverside Park (after 2 a.m.).
Previous experience: Barista at Starbucks
Hiring division of McKinsey & Co.,
I want to be a consultant. What is consulting? Who knows? Not me, not you, not anyone. But hey, we still love getting those checks, am I right? Plus, it seems to be a pretty chill job to lock down these days, and I'm all about being chill. Besides, thesaurus.com listed "advising" as a synonym for "consulting," and boy am I good at giving advice. Here are my top five examples:
Advised my main chica to wear her hair down at the club last Friday, and I'm 60 percent sure she got lucky that night, although I can't say for sure since I blacked out and woke up in a playground slide.
Advised myself to get another credit card because my other ones were starting to act funny. It definitely freed up some spending ability.
Advised the Halal cart dude to accept Dining Dollars.
Advised my boy J-Freeze to bench Marshawn Lynch on his fantasy football team in week two. He ended up losing, but only by a little.
Advised my grandma Ethel to let me borrow her station wagon for spring break this year. New Orleans here we come!
As you can see, I'm an expert consultant in the making. If you'd like to speak with any of my listed advisees, here is their contact information:
Grandma Ethel: 212-555-8671 (speak loudly and don't mention Harry Truman).
Otherwise, I hope we'll soon be in touch.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am applying for the Sales Representative job at Liberty Pharmaceuticals. I am not formally trained as a salesperson, but I have some "off-the-books" experience, if you will. For several years I have held an active and well-paid internship, for lack of a better word, at a medicinal supply company that does very good business in the local Columbia University area. During my semesters in this line of work, I've become very familiar with the fundamentals of a skillful salesman: buying in bulk, avoiding "regulators," knowing your rights, utilizing private interactions, expanding your network, using a pseudonym, offering door-to-door delivery, growing a beard, wearing sunglasses, understanding the metric system, steering clear of police dogs, checking customer backgrounds, driving an inconspicuous car, and so on.
Feel free to email me back if you'd like to schedule an interview or if perhaps you're interested in some medicine yourself.
Dear New York Times,
I believe that I am the best candidate for Assistant Managing Editor, even if the position is not open. I have always been a talented writer. My Facebook comments regularly receive 3+ likes. I have been a columnist for the prestigious Columbia Spectator for two different semesters, although I feel that I am fast outgrowing their brand. I use large words in text messages. My parents have a subscription to your newspaper. They will cancel it if you do not accept me.
Your move, NYT.
Walker Harrison is a Columbia College senior majoring in applied mathematics and creative writing. Morningside Sleights runs alternate Thursdays.
To respond to this column, or to submit an op-ed, contact email@example.com.