Anna Lokey

Laura Salgado is a senior in Columbia College studying political science. Despite her younger self’s fondest hopes, she will be $elling out to Corporate America after graduation. She loves all things related to emo culture, corgis, and Thai food. She’s the former Deputy Editorial Page Editor for Columns but this semester, she’s looking forward to expressing all the opinions she had to hold back for the past few years. Stay tuned for hot takes on Columbia fashion, identity politics, and mental health in minority groups. Send hate mail or your favorite memes to her via Twitter @im_deplaurable or email laura.a.salgado@columbia.edu. A Pinch of Salt runs alternate Mondays.

It’s 2019. Tinder is no longer new or cool. The discourse surrounding the dating app, as of late, has grown stale: We blame Tinder for our generation’s emotional immaturity, fear of commitment, and lack of communication skills. Most think pieces shockingly conclude that millennials’ obsession with technology has led to the devolution of even the most sacred forms of social ritual: fucking.

My family had a Juul intervention for me during Thanksgiving dinner. You could say that I was asking for it by Juuling during Thanksgiving dinner, but in my defense, my 17-year-old brother had dared me to and I feel like it’s my older sibling duty to prove that I’m no pussy. In fact, it's a categorical imperative.

Let me make one thing clear from the start: I hate Mel’s. Let me also make another thing clear: I go to Mel’s all the damn time. That’s because vitriolically detesting Mel’s is integral to the entire Mel’s experience. If that sounds counterintuitive, that’s because it definitely is. Let’s unpack that.

It’s somewhere between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m. Time has lost all meaning except for the overwhelming feeling that there isn’t enough of it to finish whatever it is you’re supposed to do before the sun rises. The final chords of “Jesus of Suburbia” drone in your ears as you mentally rearrange your thesis, trying to mash together the words “colonialism,” “juxtaposition,” and “hegemony” in a way that doesn’t seem overly forced. You realize you’ve been sitting like this on the toilet for 20 minutes. You don’t even have to pee anymore. Wait... did you already pee? Have you been in here so long that you forgot whether or not you even had to pee to begin with? Intellectually overwhelmed, nic sick, and sleep deprived—you put your head between your knees and stare at the floor until the grimy black-and-white checkered tiles blend together. The smell motivates you to pull up your pants, wipe your tears, and go back to your seat.

What is the first thing you think of when you think about millennial culture?

Maybe they just forgot to hit send.

Victoria Hou is a sophomore in Columbia College attempting to study political science and economics (like every other student at this school). Her claim to fame includes a few posts that reached over 1,000 likes on columbia buy sell memes and her being the reason why the class of 2021 got T-shirts at the New Student Orientation Program. To all sophomores: You’re welcome. H Mart keeps her sane, but trips down to Koreatown and Chinatown keep her happy. You can find her pretending to study in Ref, likely on Facebook and ranting about Asian American issues. You can also send questions, secret admirer notes, and hate mail at vh2279@columbia.edu. Chop Suey runs alternate Mondays.

We all know that when alcohol gets involved, people get #messy. But not always in the way you might be thinking.