Tony Gong

Self-help is usually centered on the idea that thinking positively is good. But in some rare cases, like when you've just gotten back to Columbia from spring break and life feels terrible by comparison, it's better to reflect on the past week with some negativity. Why feel bummed out over life suddenly getting worse? Instead, accept that your life has always felt terrible. Here are the five reasons why spring break sucked.more 1. The Great East Coast Monsoon. It rained for like five days straight, my basement flooded, and it wasn't anything like the monsoon in Jumanji. But let's say you left the East Coast for a sunnier place. Let's say you went to some great awesome beach. Don't worry, your week was even crappier because: 2. You've theoretically increased your chance of getting skin cancer by being out in the sun. So statistically you're closer to dying. In fact, this is true for all of us. By simply staying alive last week, we're all statistically a little closer to death now. Especially all California residents, though. 3. Daylight Savings Time started. This event is particularly troubling to me. You see, I was born in early March 1989, which means I've now effectively lived through 22 spring forwards but only 21 fall backs. Someone owes me an hour, and I will be pissed over this injustice for the next six months. Or at least until I finish writing this post. 4. The subdued, week-long anxiety of not actually finishing any work. Spring break is the perfectly deceptive amount of time during which you initially feel a terrific safeness from work. But by Wednesday or Thursday, you're subconsciously starting to really worry because all you've done is watch Spiderman movies while eating bacon in your pajamas. Speaking of which: 5. Spiderman 3. This movie was a mess. I was completely confused about who the central villain was supposed to be, and apparently Kirsten Dunst will never be as good as her role in Jumanji. Emo Spiderman was cool though. He had the right ideas about life.

Spectator published a pretty badass column by fellow opinion columnist and Spectrum blogger Amin Ghadimi today. Titled "How to write an opinion column," not only is it the most meta thing I've ever experienced, besides that time I watched "She's Out of My League" with a girl who was out of my league, but it cites some interesting philosophical perspectives on language. In particular, Amin invokes Taoist philosopher Zhuangzi and his "rabbit snare metaphor" to language: more "The rabbit snare exists because of the rabbit; once you've gotten the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words exist because of the meaning; once you've gotten the meaning, you can forget the words." Now, I'm usually partial to pretentious Chinese guys who use ridiculous analogies (because it reminds me of someone I personally know and admire). But in this context, I don't think Zhuangzi's argument is correct. It's true that language is a medium for literal meaning, but Zhuangzi ignores that language is also fundamentally a human construct. In other words (pun intended), language is chosen and built by humans, and everything that humans create is contextualized, nuanced, and subjective. Zhuangzi is wrong because examining words after their literal meaning importantly reveals the context, nuance, and subjectivity about the people who write them. For example, earlier today I inferred that Spec news writers use mostly objective, boring language because news writers are all emotionally stunted. And you've probably inferred multiple times while reading this post and from the picture of me at the top that I'm strange and creepy. Perhaps this is some Western cultural notion of self-importance speaking, but I'd like to believe that words only make sense to think about in terms of the humans that wrote them. It'd also be pretty sad if they got rid of the opinion section and I had to become a news writer.

The POTUS Project needs to be aborted ASAP. It's not that I don't like Obama. I actually like Obama. Hell, I love Obama. I am crazy in love with Obama. See my picture to the left? That's my crazy in love face. I want to hug him. So we've established that I like Obama. Unfortunately, POTUS is the worst strategy to get him to come here ever.more Here's the thing. Obama is like this particular super hot girl who lived on my Carman floor: really popular, she was interested in politics, had great legs. Columbia University, on the other hand, is like me: not very fun, really into making sure everyone follows Butler Library rules, maybe socially retarded. The rest is Middle School Psychology 101. Empirical evidence shows that to attract someone really popular (be it hot Carman floor mate or President Obama), the best strategy is show passive disinterest. This strategy distinguishes you from everyone else's behavior. This strategy makes you smooth and cool. The absolute worst possible strategy is to try too hard, demonstrate all sorts of needy unrequited affection, and come off way too desperate. How do I know that POTUS won't work on Obama? Perhaps he's a different type of hot girl? Perhaps one who lived in John Jay? Irrelevant! All hot girls are exactly the same. In two critical ways. First, they are usually very hot. Second, the POTUS strategy never works on them. You can always win them with disinterest. Just take a look at past places where Obama gave speeches. In May 2010, Obama spoke at a college in Michigan, where only 57 percent voted for him in the presidential election. In May 2009, he spoke at a college in Arizona, where only 45 percent voted for him. In June 2009, he spoke at a college in Egypt, where 0 percent voted for him! Don't learn this lesson the hard way, Columbia University in the City of New York. Unfortunately, I only acquired this wisdom by writing thirty wall posts on my hot Carman floor mate's Facebook after I downed 1.5 shots of vodka on my 19th birthday. My deepest fear is that POTUS Project's misdirected proposals to "flood the White House with personal letters," "create over-the-top productions in President Obama's honor," and "make notable noise" are headed down a similar path of half-drunk self-destruction. WTF POTUS. ABORT ASAP.

I found out on Spectrum earlier today that next year's first-year class will have the new option of using their required meals at Ferris Booth and JJ's. I was pretty surprised to read this for two reasons. First, I couldn't believe I actually read an entire Spectrum post that wasn't my own. I guess I had to get over myself sooner or later. Second, I was surprised that the Columbia administration actually responded positively to our complaints about the freshman meal plan's inflexibility. But I don't think this flexibility will be a good thing for the class of 2014's freshman Columbia experience.moreYes, it's true that people generally enjoy freedom of choice. I've seen this be true in government, intellectual pursuits, and the 2010 Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. But the deeper truth is that sometimes we just don't know what's best for ourselves. More students in the class of 2014 than any other Columbia class before will end up getting meals from JJ's and Ferris Booth to go, and eating them alone. After living through the transition of first-year to old person myself, it's become abundantly clear that the added flexibility of how we eat ultimately means more solitude. I would still love to eat every meal with company, but with more freedom of choice, we are able to create excuses for why we need to eat as quickly as possible and productively instead. You should see me right now. I'm at my desk pigging out completely alone on a full-course meal with soup, side dishes, and a stir fry from Mill right now. It's totally gross. And I think I just figured out why everyone says my room smells my weird. Like it or not, the shared inflexibility of Columbia's freshman dining system has contributed a lot to whatever sense of community we may have here. Most of my best friends today are still the people I bonded with over the forced meals we had at Hewitt and John Jay. And honestly, I probably wouldn't have even hung out with those losers if I could've just gotten something from Ferris Booth instead. But I'm happy I had to eat with them now. Except for you, Phil. I can't believe you said my room smells weird.

We've all seen it happen before. A careless moron replies to the entire listserv and asks to be removed. Five hundred others then assume it's become socially acceptable to be stupid and they all follow suit. Everyone's inbox blows up and your club's morale plummets. It's the most annoying shit ever. It happened to me yesterday and my face got so angry and screwed up and pale that I actually looked like that drawing of me at the top of this post. This crap needs to end today, Columbia. So listen closely, here are five ways to curb an imminent listserv attack:more 1. Send everyone the brilliant post Derek wrote last week on the need for more participants at Columbia. Frequently remind everybody on the listserv how special he/she is and how much we appreciate their membership. This will make them feel so guilty. No shame in being totally ruthless with your lies here. 2. A big problem with the listserv attack is that it makes everybody else on the listserv start to question why they're on it. So you need to make the listserv seem valuable and worthwhile again. One way I do this is I e-mail random listservs and repeatedly demand to be added to them ASAP. 3. If a listserv attack is starting, nip it before it gets too big. Tell everyone to send future requests in a separate e-mail directed only to you, and then give your e-mail address. 4. But I understand if you're not altruistic. In that case, tell everyone to send future requests in a separate e-mail directed only to you, and then give the e-mail address of that first asshole who replied to everyone. 5. Just fucking BCC the listserv when you send an e-mail to it.

Spectator published an article—actually a manifesto—yesterday by Nathan Chang urging Columbia students to stop worrying so much about work. He writes: "Why not get a head start on consciously developing the few things that last in this life, almost all of which are not work-related? Chill for a bit, hang out with friends, do something for its personal value to you, do anything to capitalize on the life that spring gives, and live."more While I appreciate the sentiment—because it makes me feel a little better about all that time I spent sophomore year playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3—I don't agree that personal value is the only thing that really matters or "lasts" in life. Happiness and personal value are nice. But achievement and accomplishment—"work-related" things—are important goals in themselves, more enduring than happiness. If all of us just chilled on the Steps all day, it'd also be a really crowded situation. We are privileged to be at Columbia because each of us demonstrated the potential to achieve something, however we individually define that thing. I think, above all, we should try to fulfill it.

I'm really nostalgic. And like many of you reading this, the main thing I'm nostalgic about, now that I'm in college, is my home. In fact, many of you are probably at home right now. The rest of you are at sunny spring break party beaches. I've realized that all the people in the second group have already stopped reading this. more But for those of us that aren't cool, it's occurred to me there's something wrong about how we think about homesickness. Namely, our concept of the nostalgia for home seems too centered on the actual place where home is located. According to its Wikipedia page, for instance, the word nostalgic was invented to describe Swiss mercenaries in lowland France and Italy who missed the landscape of their alps. Also, I think about our generational homesick movie "Garden State," which told me that a family is really just "a group of people who miss the same imaginary place." Perhaps there's some merit to this local account of nostalgia. After all, when I'm homesick, it's obvious that to some degree I am thinking about the house where I grew up on Selfridge Road. I'll also believe pretty much anything that Wikipedia and Natalie Portman tell me. Last night, however, I spent three hours in our unfinished basement. It was rapidly flooding from the Great Eastern Seaboard Monsoon of Spring Break 2010, so we spent the duration moving stuff upstairs and scooping water outside. In those three hours, I figured out two very important things. First, I remembered where I'd left my old Super Nintendo. Second, I saw that our house is just a crappy place like any other. It floods when it rains too much, paint peels off the walls, and things collect dust. So I even though I'm back on Selfridge Road this spring break, I've realized my most nostalgic experiences of home have nothing to do with the location of my home, but everything to do with the people involved. In any other place or house, it would've been just as emotionally significant when I awkwardly watched "Magnolia" with my grandma and she told me not to do drugs. When I started that band with my friend on my 13th birthday and recorded two hours of improvised music. When I spent three hours in the basement with my parents scooping flood water outside in buckets over spring break. Wait, actually that really sucked. "Garden State" got it backwards. A family isn't a group of people who miss the same imaginary place; a home is the imaginary place that you miss because of the people who were there.

Finals are within earshot and stress @columbia.edu is high. But as CNBC's recently published list of America's most stressful jobs indicates, fact of the matter is that in every community, some people are a lot more stressed than others. And Columbia is sort of a community. So to finally resolve who gets the most bragging rights in our little community, I've carefully and methodically ranked the top 10 most stressed out students by type. While I am human and therefore prone to faulty reasoning and bias like everyone else, I'm pretty sure this list is absolutely correct.more 10. Humanities majors. Made the cut not so much for their workload or academic rigors, but for a certain abject feeling of utter worthlessness that I'm sure defines their existence and makes it hard for them to sleep. 9. Students who live in McBain. After recent fires caused by Deluxe and Community, students here are probably just wondering when—not if—they'll die as burn victims. Not helped by the fact that things already sucked for them because they had to pick into McBain in the first place. 8. CCSC executive board candidates. They completely open their personas and résumés to public analysis, and occasionally this leads wayward Spec columnists to make fun of them. 7. All of SEAS. Frequent problem sets, 85 percent of the semester is midterm season, your classes are on the hardest shit known to mankind, and yet you still sound like a loser when you tell people your major. 6. Speccies. If it weren't for Google Buzz and Twitter, they'd probably be two or three spots higher. 5. Peter Parker. Worrying about saving the city from crime while sitting through physics lectures in Pupin seems annoying. 4. Frat guys. From my window in Broadway, I seriously just hear frat guys yelling deliriously all the time. Like pretty much every night. At this point I've begun to suspect it's an instinctual high-stress reaction they get while studying. 3. Pre-meds. Worst thing ever. 2. James Franco. Probably has haunting nightmares about being ambushed by a pack of Barnard freshmen in a Dodge bathroom. 1. Spectrum Opinion writers. Seriously. Our sense of self-worth is completely at the mercy of anonymous commentators who don't give a shit about us. The editor sends us terrifying emails. We're constantly second-guessing our career move to leave Bwog. And we totally forgot if we included a sheet of fabric softener in our dryer load just now. So very stressed.

This Spectrum thing might just be the real deal. First of all, let me explain that I have no actual loyalty to Spectator. The main reason I even started writing for Spec as an opinion columnist is because I was promised free pizza in a mass e-mail last month. And I estimate that there is at least a 60% chance that my editor, whose name I never learned, will fire me by spring break. So even though I have many personal reasons to bash Spectrum right now, when I read the very first Spectrum post "Introducing Spectrum" this morning, I couldn't help but feel like there was something unique and elevating about the way the editors describe their newspaper. Namely, they admit that it sucks:more - In their written part, the editors say that today's Spec has "lost that playfulness" that it evidently had in the 1930s. (Something really major has to be wrong with a newspaper if it was more fun during the Great Depression than it is today). - In the video part, Important Talking Guy #1 further claims that the entire model for Spec "doesn't quite work anymore." - And again in the video part, Important Talking Guy #2 mentions previous Spec blog projects, implicitly referencing their failures, and what elements are different about Spectrum. I've had short-term or temporary stints at many clubs and organizations over my time at Columbia. These experiences have been enlightening. For example, I've learned that "Raw Elementz" has absolutely nothing to do with chemistry. I've learned that I suck at almost everything. And I've learned that most clubs are very static and close-minded to real existential change. This is the first time such a major campus organization's leadership has been so critical and open about assessing its own status quo. If Spectrum works, it's because the Important Talking Guys weren't afraid to question who they are, why they need to exist, and how they can exist better. Firing me before I really start to abuse my Spec Office swipe access would also help its chances.