Despite being less than two months into the school year, it's already clear that the Columbia administration is having the #WorstYearEver, easily beating out some tough competition (the NFL, CU Athletics, and Senior Night). Our fearless leaders have never failed to fail us. And while other, lesser schools (cough cough CornellYalePennHarvardBrownDartmouthandPrinceton) might be satisfied, nay perversely impressed, with this level of incompetence, we go to Columbia—where you can always push yourself a little harder. With our insanely high standards in mind, we came up with a few new ways the CU administration can continue to underserve and enrage its students.
1. Relocate the WBAR studio to the middle of Dodge Fitness Center.
On the surface, this move is actually fairly sensible—put every Columbian who dares to wear socks with Adidas sliders under one roof. But stranding our very own hipster island in the strange, sweaty waters of Dodge gymnasium would likely lead to a music-buffs-versus-athletes edition of Sharks versus Jets—an epic battle set to 40 minutes of Gregorian chants peppered with interminable static.
2. Order all future CU Dems meetings/debates to take place in the members-only room of St. A's.
The hallowed halls of St. A's have their own soundscape: the flutter of cigarette ash hitting the carpet, the soft muffle of smoking loafers scuffing against hardwood, and the almost imperceptible snap of an iPhone taking a surreptitious picture of the fabled Vampire Weekend chandelier. The last thing this rarefied atmosphere needs is an onslaught of loud, magnet-school-educated idealists arguing on behalf of the rabble. Imagine a debate on immigration status at a club where every member sports dual citizenship, or an open discussion about wealth disparity in a room that's regularly cleaned by hired help.
3. Decree that all Hewitt Dining Hall and Diana Center thin-crust pizza must henceforth be Chicago-style deep-dish.
A Barnard betch horking down a deep-dish meat-lovers'? That's about as ridiculous an image as Bollinger having an open and honest discussion with Columbia undergraduates!
4. Force all underfed grad students to shave off their "anthro thesis all-nighter" face stubble.
If falling into a blissful daydream in Avery Library about the specific rug-burn pattern that would result from a make-out sesh with the grad student across from me is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
5. Outlaw Tibetan prayer flags and Christmas lights in all Columbia dormitories.
Sacre bleu! Without this super individualistic (yet insanely ubiquitous) decor, how will people know how cool, creative, and non-Western-centric we are?
6. Use the CU Internet policing apparatus to permanently ban all social-media activism.
But if I attended a climate-change-awareness march and didn't immediately Instagram it, then link to that Instagram in separate Facebook and Twitter posts, did it even happen?
7. Eradicate the beloved publication that is (was) The Eye weekly print edition.