In February, I attended a Galentine’s Day celebration. For those of you who are uncultured: Galentine’s Day is like Valentine’s Day, except no men are allowed. It’s so nice to act like we live in a sis-ciety. And it’s the only dinner all year where everyone has enough leg space and nobody gets rudely interrupted.
Maybe this is why people go to Barnard. Tea!
During dinner, the topic of conversation turned to masturbation. This was when a good friend of mine decided to reveal the face crack of the century: She doesn’t masturbate.
You know how in action movies, when there’s a big explosion and all the characters look around in the rubble, dazed and confused, while a really annoying high pitched noise blares in the background? Yeah, that’s how I felt. But instead of rubble, picture tasteful charcuterie. And instead of an annoying high pitched noise, picture Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me.” Wait, actually that one is pretty accurate.
Astonishingly, she was not the only person at the table who admitted they refrain from playing the downstairs DJ.
One gal even went so far as to say that the activity “just wasn’t for her.” Sis! There has literally never been something that is more “for you” than rubbing one out. In fact, I’m hard pressed to come up with an activity that is more self-pleasing than masturbation. That’s like ... the whole point?
Now, I’m not tryna put her on blast like that. This issue is bigger than her raging Catholic guilt. It’s about all of y’all.
Ladies of Columbia, we need to masturbate more.
The benefits of regularly orbiting Venus are incomparable: stress relief, better sleep, milder period cramps, improved self-esteem, and stronger muscle tone in your pelvic and anal muscles—weird flex, but ok!
I think masturbating should be included in every self-care routine. It does more good for your body than any TONYMOLY sheet mask, that’s just a fact. Sometimes you just need a manual override of the system. You know?
It’s not even like Womansplaining yourself is as time-consuming or annoying as any of the other self-care activities we have to find space for in our uber busy schedules. All you need is 2.5 minutes and a good mindset (read: vibrator)!
And that’s about as long as it takes me to motivate myself to do my homework!
If you don’t take your own sexual gratification in your own hands, that means that, for all of you who have sex with men, you place all responsibility on whoever it is you have sex with. And last time I checked, the average knowledge that Columbia str8bois have about female genitalia is:
Vagina = hole
Clitoris = ????
If you’re not having relations with a Columbia str8boi, first of all, congratulations. But seriously, no matter who it is, another person can never know what you like more than you do. The key to having great sex is having great masturbation experiences. Honestly, sounds like a win-win to me.
But I get it. Sometimes life gets kooky and your priorities can shift away from the hedonistic desires of sexual pleasure. It happens to all of us. I recently took the batteries out of my vibrator to replace the ones in our Roku remote so that my suitemates and I could watch the Elizabeth Holmes documentary. That is the definition of taking one for the team. And I gotta say … no regrets. I’m not scared of blood ;). I’m talking about masturbating on my period … did that joke play out?
What I’m really trying to say is, ladies, if you’re doubtful over whether or not you should give yourself a hand, you should. You really should!
Fellas, if you’re still reading this and are infuriated that this column is not encouraging you to jerk it like there’s no tomorrow, that’s because everyone already knows you do. Just ask the facilities staff how many times they’ve had to clean splooge off of the Butler stalls. Come on Columbia, let’s get sickening!
It makes me :( that I go to a school where the gag that sad nerds jerk off in the library bathrooms is less stigmatized than the female orgasm. Don’t believe me? Integrate both into your next 1020 booth convo. Prove me wrong! You know the addy.
Anna Lokey is a senior in Columbia College studying philosophy. She wants to believe that masturbation is a higher pleasure. Don’t @ her, Mill scholars. Direct your fan mail, hate mail, or notices of expulsion to email@example.com. A Girl and Her Juul runs alternate Tuesdays.
To respond to this column, or to submit an op-ed, contact firstname.lastname@example.org.