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Inspired by the new tumblr Literary Starbucks, we decided to explore what some of your favorite Core authors would do if they stepped into the 114th Street location. Would Kant ever touch a frappucino? Does Dante secretly drink caramel macchiatos? Read on to find out.

Virginia Woolf
Virginia Woolf goes up to the counter and orders a green tea cream frappuccino. She observes the beverage closely and becomes fascinated by the freshness of the green mixture. As she sips her cup, she laments about the withering of beauty. Deciding that art is the only way of preservation, she takes a selfie of her drinking the frappuccino and posts it on Facebook.

Plato walks into Starbucks expecting to join a bunch of drunkards pitching their philosophical thoughts, but instead finds himself in a quiet cafe with people staring at their laptops. He's further disappointed by the drink menu's lack of alcohol, so he doesn't order anything. Still, he asks everybody in the cafe to join him in a discussion about love. He keeps reasoning eloquently while everybody else falls asleep and misses their afternoon meetings.

Miguel de Cervantes
When the barista asks Miguel de Cervantes what he would like in his coffee, she suddenly turns into a princess in his eyes. Cervantes then sees that the coffee machine is a monster in disguise. "Your Majesty, you're in danger!" he cries as he attempts to smash the coffee machine using a plastic fork, and runs away before the frightened customers in line call the police.

"Don't judge, but I'd like to have all the drinks please," Homer announces as he walks up to the counter. As he tastes each drink, he gains inspiration for his new tome: Books 1 to 12 will be about the secret ingredients in Starbucks' new products (spoiler alert: boatloads of refined sugar + addictive drugs + battery acid hiding Trojan Horse-style underneath cheap coffee), while the other half of the book will record the complete history of the company to the smallest detail.

Fyodor Dostoevsky
Fyodor Dostoevsky goes up to the counter and orders an iced caffe Americano. Considering himself superior to others, he takes a seat in the corner, turns up the collar of his black coat, and isolates himself from the crowd. While he solemnly sips his straw, he is overcome with nostalgia, thinking, "This cold drink reminds me of the good old days in Siberia!" Being an expert in criminal psychology, he realizes the conspiracy behind the Starbucks Corporation's attempt to achieve a monopoly in the global coffee market. With this idea in mind, he promptly walks out with the ambition to write his next New York Times bestseller.

Anna Qin is a first-year at SEAS who occasionally writes about random stuff that entertains students while they're procrastinating their homework. 

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