Interviewers will tell you that there is no single right answer to the questions they ask you. This is untrue. There actually exists a single answer key that every hiring manager in the world evaluates your responses against. I have glimpsed this answer key and lived to share its wisdom with you. Here are a few common interview questions and the responses that will get you hired:
Do you work more effectively on your own or as part of a team?
Pick your teeth with a pocket knife and look deeply into your interviewer's eyes while informing them that the question is moot. Every time you've started out working as part of a team, you've ended up working on your own.
What's the last book you read?
Contrary to popular belief, self-published erotic e-books do still count as books.
Sell me this pen.
This question appears on a surprising number of interview question lists. Apparently, Bic is recruiting.
They do need to hire some better marketers.
The key to selling a pen is to remember that sex sells. If you can get your hiring manager to want to have sex with the pen, you'll be offered the job in a heartbeat.
Were you satisfied in your previous job?
Speaking well of your previous employers at an interview is like spending a first date talking about how much you still love your ex. Take every opportunity to insult your previous managers and coworkers. Heavily imply that you are currently filing a lawsuit.
What are your dreams and goals in life?
Having realistic dreams is a sign of maturity. When I was a child, I wanted to be a famous novelist. Now, I just want to self-publish an e-book that I'd be comfortable letting my grandmother read. Show that you're grown by mentioning simple dreams, like relative financial stability and living arrangements that allow you to be pantsless.
Give me an example of a time when you had to deal with conflict with a coworker.
Nothing will make an interviewer respect you like a story about a good duel.
What do you like to do for fun?
This is a trick question. Good employees have no desire for "fun."
With these answers, you'll definitely get an offer (although it may be an offer to show you the door). Remember to follow up after the interview by sending a heartfelt thank you letter. I've prepared an example below:
To the man with the bald spot in the ill-fitting suit (sorry I forgot your name),
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to interview. I’m sorry our time together was cut short when I climbed out the window, scrambled down the fire escape, and ran the 60 blocks back to my dorm room. I apologize especially for setting off the alarm; I really had no idea your whole building would be forced to evacuate. I can only hope the firefighters who were dispatched were good-looking enough to make up for your lost time.
Really, I think my nervousness just proves how passionate I am about the job. I know you only saw a girl with trembling hands and obvious pit stains who struggled to complete a sentence and occasionally lapsed into fits of inappropriate laughter. On the inside, though, I was just thinking about how much I desperately wanted this position. I look forward to hearing from you and am excited at the possibility of joining your team— perhaps a little too excited.