Life in New York City, and Columbia in particular, can feel anonymous-- so many people, so hard to stand out. But we Columbians like to revel in anonymity, and feel free to communicate our feelings and desires when they are not associated with our names. Here is a guide to the anonymous social networks on campus; each serves a different purpose and provides a fun community where nobody knows your name, but they're always glad you came.
Used for: Telling people you’ve encountered that they’re hot and inquiring whether or not they are single, writing one to yourself to see who likes it. Posts range from super-specific compliments to Missed Connections-like inquiries.
Example post:? “7131: To the girl with the pretty face and the good-looking body and the two arms and the chin, are you single?”
Bored @ Butler
Used for: Talking about campus media and campus “celebrities” (like Council leaders and those who get a lot of Columbia Admirers) using their initials (like, “OM sucks, go back to Canada!”). Also used to post longer personal confessions, random song lyrics, and the rare insightful discussion about mental health.
Example post:? “im in generally such a cheery mood today, which is why i know tomorrow is going to be terrible. stay tuned for updates.”
Used for: Reposting jokes from Reddit or other schools’ Yik Yak pages, violating the University’s plagiarism policy and honor code (but it’s anonymous so you’re safe.) Also for reporting on what’s being served at the Action Station in Ferris.
Example post:? "I want to reenact a scene from fifty shades of grey. You know, the one where she gets a job straight out of college?"
Used for: Making topical jokes, experimenting with new misogynistic slurs. Such a venerated institution that Bwog has created awards for stand-out comments. If your comment gets a large amount of downvotes, the algorithm fades it and turns it into Comic Sans, which qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment under the Eighth Amendment.
Example post: (On the 121st Varsity Show cast announcement)? “why are there no malaysians, venezuelans or romanians in the cast? Ugh, I'm officially boycotting v121. ”
Used for: Resolving arguments about Columbus Day, utilizing Columbia buzzwords like “intersectionality” and “YAAAAAAAAS”
Example post:?? “Your quasi-sophisticated writing style and language do a great job of masking the implicit racism and cultural relativism you're classifying as positive in the context of the genocide of an entire civilization of human beings. Enjoy your holiday. ”
Orli Matlow is a senior from Canada majoring in American Studies. Follow her on Twitter@HireMeImFunny.