As all of you probably know, Valentine's Day is tomorrow, but if you're anything like me, you will do anything to avoid those pesky Valentine's Day clichés. Luckily, it turns out our current interpretation of Valentine's Day is sinfully narrow-minded. We all celebrate St. Valentine as the patron saint of love and relationships, but it turns out he was also the patron saint of lots of other stuff. By incorporating these new aspects into your V-Day plans, you'll spice up the holiday for you and your partner/partner-shaped pillow.
Give a bae a bee! Send some honey to your honey! In case you haven't picked up on it yet, St. Valentine is the patron saint of beekeeping. Incorporate this into your Valentine's Day plans by sending your crush lots of real live bees. According to the WikiHow page "How to Buy Honey Bees," you can order anywhere from 9,000 to 22,000 bees for your bae. To keep things romantic, attach a fun little note saying "Bee Mine," or "For My Honey," or "Get your EpiPen ready, because you're about to bee stung by the Love Bug!" To go the extra mile, consider seeing "Bee Movie" with your partner. Sit back and enjoy Jerry Seinfeld's canonical work featuring bee-on-lady love (or "bee-stiality").
If you're into current events, then St. Valentine's affiliation with the plague is for you! Celebrate the impending measles plague by not getting vaccinated. For a fun couples activity, attend an anti-vaxxer's rally and perpetuate the lies that are slowly killing off our children. Write a cute V-Day card for your boo that reads,
"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Heard immunity is becoming irrelevant
But I still love you!"
Or there's always, "I can't get you out of my mind, just like the meningitis I should have been vaccinated for."
St. Valentine is also the patron saint of epilepsy. If you think that installing a surprise strobe light in your lover's room might be a little insensitive, an alternative is to celebrate the great works of people with epilepsy. Dance to a playlist featuring Susan Boyle, Lil Wayne, Neil Young, and Beyoncé (Beyoncé does not have epilepsy but her music is still excellent and belongs on every playlist). Do a romantic, candlelit reading of all of Dostoyevsky's "Crime and Punishment." If you really want to show your burning passion for your soul mate, burn a wooden effigy à la Burning Man as a clear homage to Joan of Arc, who also possibly had epilepsy. Don't have room for a giant wooden effigy? Consider burning a steak and enjoy your partner's skepticism at how far you had to reach for that pun.
Last but not least, traveling falls under St. Valentine's jurisdiction as well. If you are a college student, you probably can't just pack your bags and travel to the Bahamas. But why would you want to do that when you can easily just experience all the unpleasant aspects of travel without the hassle of having a nice time? Wake up your bae at 5 a.m. and try to navigate the subway to LaGuardia with two large suitcases. Spend the entire day sharing travel-sized toiletries, eating overpriced airport snack food, and anxiously checking for the millionth time that you still have your wallet.
Whatever your choice is for this alternative Valentine's Day, you'll come out of it a stronger couple than ever. I guarantee it.