With a rousing collection of stock footage set in slow motion, Ted Cruz announced his candidacy for president of the United States. However, the Texas senator with the face of a warped Jean Dujardin has been questioned about his eligibility because he was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. However, constitutional scholars have agreed that Cruz is indeed a natural born citizen because his mother is from the all-American Wilmington, Delaware.
Even if there was a greater suspicion over his eligibility, like there was, say, for a president born in the state of Hawaii to an American mother, Calgary should count as the United States, because Alberta is the Texas of Canada.
Alberta has the oil and the rodeo, and is where Prime Minister Stephen Harper, our George W. Bush, went to University and built his political base. Like Dubya, he is all for invasive counterterrorism efforts, cool to compromise privacy and civil rights. Harper is in the midst of pushing a controversial piece of legislation, Bill C-51, which is an attempt to catch up to Bush's Patriot Act.
With Harper, we have seen the conservative Americanization of Canada, and now it's time for the liberal Canadianization of America. There should be a President of the United States who was not only born, but raised, in the Great White North. Particularly because the Great White North is not particularly white. Growing up in Toronto, in social studies class we would make fun of "the melting pot" as it exists in what Canadians call "the States," condemning it as a sad, homogenizing force. My grade six (yes, grade six!) social studies teacher Mrs. Goldberg (yes, Mrs. Goldberg! It was USDS, the United Synagogue Day School, or as I liked to call it, the United Shithole Death Sentence), talked about Canada as a salad or a mosaic. Instead of imposing a Canadian identity or Canadian dream, Canada prides itself on letting individual cultures flourish. A Canadian president can best implement Obamacare and marriage equality—they've been in Canada for decades, and the rapture has yet to come.
A Canadian president would be great at diplomacy—adept in conversational French, they could conduct business directly with France, Haiti, and a lot of countries in Africa. And most importantly, they are already versed in the metric system, which just about EVERY OTHER COUNTRY uses. There should be an American president who would walk 804.67 kilometers, and walk 804.67 kilometers more, just to be the man who walks 804.67 kilometers to fall down at your door.
It's time America has a president who grew up eating ketchup chips and Coffee Crisp chocolate bars. Who is not afraid to apologize (in fact, they do so incessantly). Who puts U first, and in the words favourite, honour, and colour.
God bless America, and God keep our land glorious and free. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.