YA Lit Hum re-imagines texts from the Columbia Core as written by popular Young Adult novelists. After all, the only academy worth reading about is the Vampire Academy. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS.
Lysistrata as told by Suzanne Collins
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This week's YA Lit Hum takes you to a dystopia where more than half the population is unable to vote.
I wake to an empty bed. My husband has been gone for weeks, training for the war. Today is the day of the conflict between Athens and Sparta.
I swing my legs out of bed and pull on my favorite squirrel-skin toga. Breakfast is a hunk of dried meat. Perhaps badger. I forget.
The message is clear when men go off to war without consulting the women. "Look how we take your children and sacrifice them and there's nothing you can do." If only the men could realize their brotherhood. Common blood unites us all. Common blood also flows easily to the genitals. A plan is born.
I walk through the streets of Athens. At each house, I stop to summon women to a counsel. My steps move fast. They are clipped like sentences.
At last, the women of Athens and Sparta meet together. We sacrifice a flask of wine. We agree to refuse sex with the men until they make peace. This rebellion is the way to unite our two Districts. Shouts in the distance announce that the Akropolis has been taken. We join the other women inside.
Kinesias approaches the Akropolis. "May the odds be ever in your favor!" the men wish him. Myrrhine, the wife of Kinesias, is the one who decides the odds. He begs her to relieve his aching. She goes to fetch a blanket, then a pillow. Then she disappears into the Akropolis, leaving Kinesias to rest his head in his hands. Likely he is remembering her naked form. You don't forget the breasts of the person who was your last hope.
We exit the Akropolis to hold a peace counsel. As I stride through the gates, I notice that all the men are hard. So many erections surround us, like puffer fish attached to crotches. Each has as much charm as a dead slug. My handmaiden Peace smiles at my side. She is wearing a dress that looks like flames.
The ties that bind us are not real. The rules are not real. Only the thirst is real.
Maura Barry-Garland is a junior studying economics at Columbia College. She chose this university for the strong core, and also because Gossip Girl is set in New York City. You can find her on Twitter as @maurajbg.