Earlier today, University President Lee Bollinger made a surprising announcement at Convocation: President Barack Obama, CC '83, would be returning to Columbia in early 2017.
Amid all the buzz (will he teach at the Law School? Does this mean he feels bad about the presidential library rejection? Is this an elaborate social media prank on upperclassmen by OLs and RAs??) we have compiled a few scenarios Obama may have to face in his time here at Columbia as dean of Student Affairs/executive vice president of University affairs and bureaucratic vagueness/University Writing preceptor.
1. Tries to make his brownstone patriotic, gets fined for hanging up American flag.
2. Gets upstaged by Amal, transfers to vastly inferior Princeton.
3. Teaches a class on Hamilton 7, tries to use his "presidential pardons" to cut the elevator line.
4. Stands in miles-long line at Duane Reade, regrets giving all these people health care.
5. Orders Koronet's with Michelle, entire Let's Move! program falls apart.
6. Wonders where his paycheck is…forever.
7. Tries to rent his old undergrad apartment, it's currently $4K a month.
9. Trips the on the old Ferris staircase, wishes he had Obamacare.
10. Buys Westside cookies for all his meetings, wonders why he didn't do this in Washington.
11. Joins CPS staff, remembers why he doesn't brag about his alma mater.
12. Teaches Principles of Econ, gets heckled.
13. Decides to teach CC, forgets to do the reading.
14. Goes to pick up a package, gets to the front of the line, only to find out it's at the White House.
15. Flees during September/October to escape the awkwardness of the World Leaders Forum.
16. Finds a cockroach, doesn't know whether to call Hartley or the Department of the Interior.
Emma Finder is a former Spectrum editor on the 137th volume.