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You've been on a dorm tour. Perhaps you've seen the dining halls. You can read about professors on CULPA or Courses@CU and any amount of Facebookery will help you rank your own classmates. But the URC tour guides forgot to include one very vital part of Columbia: its bathrooms.

Bathrooms, contrary to popular belief, aren't only for the necessary bodily functions. A great bathroom can provide solace—it lifts you up when you're down and it can make your day a little less shitty (well). It's a place to eat sushi, call your mother, and play a few too many games of 2048. So, whether you're in a dire need of a power nap, or you need to stalk a classmate on Facebook, or you actually just have to drop the kids off at school, you should be familiar with the various bathrooms around campus. And which one is best for which purpose? Which one is the belle of the salle de bains and which one is utterly deserted?

Spectrum's got you covered with a ranking of the bathrooms on the CU campus. Please note: there are bathrooms a-plenty on this campus and Spectrum has yet to become intimately acquainted with them all.

15. The first floor Butler bathrooms

Pros: They're close to 209, which is really all that speaks for these worthless uses of tile. That, and there are usually pamphlets on the inside of the stall for light bathroom reading.

Cons: Overused and undersized. Way overused—think of all the people who trickle through Butler Library. Most of them stop at this bathroom. Way undersized—who decided a girls' bathroom could have just two stalls?!

Rating: 2/10

 

14. The 4th floor Milbank bathrooms

Pros: Large mirror that will remind you to wear makeup more often.

Cons: Impossible to find—usually, there are stairs involved—and then, for all of its real estate, there are all of three bathroom stalls.

Rating: 2.5/10

 

13. The Pupin basement bathrooms

Pros: Very close to your chemistry class.

Cons: It's a bathroom in a basement. In a building where there are chemicals. And chemistry. And labs. Get in, get out—don't spend your time in this bathroom.

Special Note: This bathroom gets unbelievably better if you send out the following text:

"Hallo I am poopin in Pupin."

Poop itself irrelevant.

Rating: 2.7/10

 

12. The 7th floor Schermerhorn bathrooms

Pros: You'll get to know another exciting floor of Schermerhorn -- did you know there are sometimes art exhibits in Schermerhorn?

Cons: Sorry, wait, is it on 6th floor? Or the 7th? Or is it just up an interminable amount of stairs? Schermerhorn itself makes the bathroom not worth getting to know -- our advice? Take initiative and go to the bathroom before you have to take that class in Schermerhorn (Arthum, we're looking at you.)

Rating: 2.8/10

 

11. The Carman 1st floor bathroom

Pros: If you're a shy freshman and those Carman walls are too thin…

Cons: Only two stalls and you can forget about ambiance. It's tucked behind the vending machines down a long hallway—hard to find and even harder to enjoy.

Rating: 3/10

 

10. The 4th floor Lerner bathrooms

Pros: Good for when you drank one too many coffees at Ferris. Also if you need to have a nice cry after a meeting with your advisor.

Cons: Like many of the bathrooms on this campus, the Lerner bathrooms are at the end of a maze of various ramps. If you're chomping at the bit, don't bother going to the bathroom in Lerner.

Rating: 4/10

 

9. The Hartley bathroom

Pro: Single-stall bathroom is good for one thing only, and that's pretty self-explanatory.

Cons: Has a lingering smell—perhaps from all the fans of that single-stall realness.

Rating: 4.1/10

 

8. The Wallach bathroom

Pros: Again, teeny bathrooms serve only one purpose, and we don't need to get into that.

Cons: This one has two stalls—if you do happen to share this bathroom with someone (not likely), it will feel strangely intimate.

Rating: 4.2/10

 

7. The first floor John Jay bathroom

Pros: It's only about two years old now, which means it's still very clean-looking and elegant. Also, it's a single stall.

Cons: What with being right next to the check-in desk (and that interminable John Jay food line), you can't expect much privacy. Also, it's in a high-volume area, so don't luxuriate in there. Get in, check Facebook, and get out.

Rating: 5/10

 

6. The Hamilton bathrooms (any floor)

Pros: Great for a break from your LitHum class. Also good place to rest after climbing up the Hamilton stairs.

Cons: A women's bathroom every OTHER floor?! Really, Hamilton?! Really?!

Rating: 5.2/10

5. The 9th floor Butler bathroom

Pros: Totally secluded, totally single-stall. Perfect for long crying jags and fits of the giggles. Also mini dance parties.

Cons: The Butler elevator doesn't get that high. You've gotta walk from floor 6 to floor 9.

Rating: 6/10

 

4. The first floor Lerner bathroom

Pros: Located near Citibank and Cafe 212, this bathroom is pretty near perfect—it's pretty secluded, always a little empty, and you don't even need your ID to get in (no pesky turnstiles to deal with.)

Cons: Anybody (passersby and tourists included) can use this bathroom, so it can feel a bit like an airport bathroom—you won't recognize anyone and occasionally there is luggage.

Rating: 6.5/10

 

3. The west bathrooms on the 6th floor of Butler

Pros: Ample space, a full-length mirror, and close to one of the cozier study spaces on campus. This bathroom has a sort of charm that comes from having too-dim light and a bunch of underslept college students.

Cons: It's in Butler, which means it's inherently unhappy.

Rating: 7.5/10

 

2. Any bathroom in the Diana ever

Pros: The cleanest bathrooms on campus. Also the largest. Often the ones with the best decor. Great lighting—you'll convince yourself that you never have to wear makeup again.

Con: Okay, so there's not really a bathroom on Diana's first floor. Or the sixth. But that's our only complaint—and we're willing to walk a few sets of stairs for these bathrooms.

Rating: 8/10

1. The Low Library bathrooms

Pros: The bathroom where you least expect it. Low Libary's bathrooms are spacious, usually empty, and located in the most historic building on campus. On your way back from Pupin? Pop in for some much-needed web browsing on your iPhone. Hanging out on the steps? Relieve yourself just few yards away from Alma in the great big dome.

Cons: Okay, sometimes you have to tell the guards that you're going to the bathroom, which is weird.

Columbia bathrooms
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