One small droplet for Mars, one giant leap in the probability of martian existence!!! After NASA's new discovery of water on Mars, it seems the world can do anything now... and yet, Columbia still can't...Win a football game. Have a clear view of the blood moon. Process a package. Tailgate. Have the 1 train work over the weekend. Let Barnard students into JJ’s. Deal with you taking food out of JJ’s. Be closer to the East Village or Brooklyn or Meatpacking, or any decently cool district in New York. Figure out their air conditioning and heating system. Have reliable WiFi. Make actual sushi in John Jay (no, rolling a cucumber and carrot shred in rice and nori is not a thing.) Build a student center without impossibly confusing ramps. Decide on anything Bacchanal-related. Remove that course you dropped last semester. Have all the treadmills actually function in Dodge. Make the stacks easier to navigate. Replace the stained glass portrait of Christopher Columbus in Butler 209 with one of Beyonce. Speed up the elevator in Hamilton. Have at least one female scholar etched into Butler. (At least Sappho’s now in the Lit Hum crew, though.) Bring Chipotle closer to campus. 110th is too far. Provide decent housing for everyone. Get rid of that guy that protests outside of College Walk. We get it: Jews control the Internet. And we’ve all had a laugh about it. Now go away. Create a campus-wide insulator during the winter. It can’t be that hard, right? Hire a president whose hair doesn’t look like Donald Trump’s. Provide free education for everyone.
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