Now that you've learned how to craft a foolproof fake ID, you probably think you're ready to paint the town red (or vomit-colored).
Of course, Spectrum does not condone underage drinking or illegal behavior; this is just for people who… forgot their IDs and are totally over the drinking age, but you know… need to borrow a fake because they don't have their legit card... That being said, we're sharing common behaviors that tip bartenders off to how #legal you really are.
Firstly, just gauge how clueless you really are with a couple of these questions...
1. You walk in and present your ID. The bouncer asks you for your address…You give your street address and give them a thumbs-up with a big smile. You give your street address, state, and zip code. You don’t smile. You never smile.
2. The bartender examines your ID more and looks at you expectedly. You…Tell them you’re an organ donor and that it’s very important to you. You want your heart to go on like Celine’s. : Rattle off your driver’s Iicense number.
3. You go up to the bar to order. The bartender asks what you want. You...Glance over the menu and order something that sounds interesting, because it’s always fun to try something new. Avoid the menu. You Googled your drink of choice and ask for asaltygreyhoundpleasethankyouverymuch.
4. The bartender asks if you'd like ice or something else in your drink. You…Ask for just a tad more ice because you wanted to be #refreshed. Ask for some orange juice in the drink, and maybe also some pineapple juice. They’re your favorite juices.
6. You grab a glass of wine. You…Sip. Glug.
7. You order a shot. You…Drink it all in one gulp. Midterms are hard. Sip it gently with your pinkie out. Delicious!
9. You order a martini shaken, not stirred.Wat. No...? Oh yes please.
10. You head to a wine bar and the waiter asks what you what. You say…That rosé looks nice, pointing to someone who looks fancy and competent. Which one has the highest alcohol content?
If the first options seemed more legit to you. Look's like you're on the right track. If not... we need to talk.
You get very nervous when the bouncer holds onto your ID or asks specific questions
If a bartender isn't sure how real the ID is, they'll usually examine the ID for a few moments and ask questions about the information on it. Obviously, you, a real ID-holder, would know your birthday and address.
You're overly confident when questioned
The reverse behavior also holds true when trying to separate the #fakes. Look, we know Columbia students are overachievers, but if you offer up extra information when questioned, you're giving yourself away. No rational adult human has memorized their license number.
Underage drinkers are (funnily enough) not very good at drinking. You know, it might be because they're not supposed to be drinking, but that's just a hunch.
Underage drinkers will often confuse or mispronounce drink names. Alternatively, they could just phrase their order awkwardly. For example, a young'un may bang on the bar and call, "Barkeep! A glass of some vodka with some soda, please, fellow oldie." Did you mean a vodka tonic? You're not going to get one now, kiddo.
You order a super-complicated drink
Let's say that you're a first-year, and you love your research. Maybe you pregame for Mel's by Googling three different lists of mixed drinks, deciding which one looks best to you, and maybe even brainstorming some alterations.
If you walk up to the bar, order a "zombie without pineapple juice, add orange juice, and sugar the rim," your bartender will probably slowly raise an eyebrow. Unless you're a tried and true drinker (over the age of 55 and say "oaky" when you order wines), Mel's is not going to fall for that.
You consume alcohol rapidly or in a strange manner
I'm not here to judge anybody's alcohol consumption, but the wide variety of alcohol in this boozy world lends itself to different styles of drinking. Let's say that you've just ordered a pricey craft beer. If you treat that as essentially a tall, hops-y shot, something's a little off.
Or let's say you've ordered a tequila shot and sip it gently. That's just not entirely right. If you have a particularly attentive bartender, they'll probably notice this and stop serving you. No more beer shots for you!
Please stay safe and drink responsibly. No craft beer shot or sticky bar bathroom is worth getting busted. Just remember: There's always a party in Carman!
Juliana Kaplan is a Barnard sophomore and Spectrum staff writer. She is a Barnard bartender and a generally grumpy human being who does not tolerate any of these behaviors. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org or @julianamkaplan to criticize the youth of today with her.
All gifs courtesy of giphy.com