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Ah, Thanksgiving, the perfect season for pie (pumpkin or apple—the variety is overwhelming), a few days without school, and heartbreak.

Yeah, R-Patz, you heard me right. If you came into the semester still clinging to your hometown bae, chances are you’re beginning to have second thoughts about sticking with the relationship. You need to split, and your brief return home seems like the perfect window of opportunity. This phenomenon is known as “Turkey Dumping”—a common practice among students from all walks of life. So pop on the “Potential Breakup Song,” and read up on breaking n’ flaking.

Assess the situation

Like T-giving turkeys, all steamy lovers are different. Therefore, there is no set-in-stone script that you can follow.

However, all turkeys S.L.s can generally fit into three overarching categories: the sad ones, the clueless ones, and the neutral ones. Depending on which category your S.L. fits into, you’ll want to approach things differently.

The sad ones

These are the forlorn fornicators who've (against all odds) actually become quite attached to you. Consequently, they're going to be fairly upset when you break the bad news. The best way you can go about this is by being kind while still being honest with them. You'll probably feel guilty when you leave the conversation, but this will go away once you realize you have no reason to be.

When to do it: Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Let them enjoy their pie.

*Note: Don't actually break up with anyone over text. The following messages are just for visual effect, and they are not a suggestion as for which medium you should dump someone over.

1. Establish the situation so they'll know what is coming.

2. Expect an interruption where they'll jump to the conclusion.

3. Clearly explain why you're breaking up with them. You have to be honest and stick to your convictions, while still realizing that they're upset. Be kind but candid.

4. Tears.

5. Offer friendship.

6. More tears.

7.Before you leave the conversation, reaffirm your offer of friendship. You want things to end semi-amicably.

8. They'll probably say ok, but they'll probably have no intention of ever being your friend.

The clueless ones

Better known as the ones who never saw it coming. These fellows thought all was well in the world and that the whole long-distance deal was working out peachy keen. When you break the bad news, they'll either be visibly upset like the sad ones, or they might just go oddly quiet.

When to do it: The first time you see them, probably either Wednesday or Thursday. They’re a bit stronger than the sad ones, so they can take it.

1. Start off with the bad news. Since they probably weren't expecting it, you might have to state your reasons why here.

2. Surprise and disbelief.

3. Confirm once again that you're ending things. Depending on how they react (visibly upset vs. saving face), your tone will have to vary in gentleness.

4. They'll try to save things—something along the lines of, "But I thought everything was going great."

5. Don't second-guess yourself. If you've gotten to the point where you're actually trying to turkey dump someone, you're probably not happy with the relationship.

6. Offer friendship. It's the polite thing to do.

7. The clueless ones are more likely to be honest with you than the sad ones. Since this came as a pretty big shock, expect that they'll need some time to mull things over.

8. They'll end the conversation with awkward well-wishing.

The neutral ones

These are the best case scenarios because they more or less feel the same way as you. Makes the experience much more comfortable for everyone.

When to do it: ASAP. If you're getting the impression that your S.O. wants to end things as well, no reason to beat around the bush.

1. Break the news to them, but if you sense they more or less feel the same as you, you don't need to give a long monologue about all your justifications. They sense it too, so it's just not necessary.

2. They'll say something along the lines of, "Yeah, I agree."

3. Offer friendship.

4. Have a nice life!

Turkey dumping might seem daunting, but at least you can take solace in the fact that thousands of other relationships are ending worse than yours.

The best I can suggest is to just get it over with and enjoy the rest of your break. With finals around the corner, you’ll need all the R&R you can get.

Have any other foolproof break up plans? Comment down below, Tweet us, or Snapchat us @CUSpectrum.

Veronica Grace Taleon is Spectrum's deputy editor and a Barnard sophomore. She's a subpar dumper, so researching this article has helped her tremendously. Reach her at veronica.taleon@columbiaspectator.com.

All gifs courtesy of giphy.com

break up thanksgiving long distance relationships
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