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Ana Shindell / Staff Illustrator

It’s officially the season of late night “Mel’s?” texts, making the most of your meal plan via JJ’s mozz sticks, and open books and sitting cozy while you binge-watch Netflix. In honor of the season, Spectrum has has compiled a list of the different characters you’ll meet here on campus in the form of Netflix Originals.

The One Who Makes You Feel Like an Idiot Sandwich: The Great British Baking Show

Dining halls got you down? Have no fear, the person to make you feel insecure about your cooking abilities is here! Although you were pretty damn hyped about not setting off the fire alarm last time you made mac and cheese, this person made, in the lounge, a “perfectly balanced crème brûlée with a decadent smoky finish at the end, accenting the texture and sweet flavors the blend of white and brown sugar brought to the dessert.” You, who ate the whole thing in one bite: “Yeah, same.”

The One Who Ran Straight to the Campaign Office: House of Cards

You already know who this is. They filled out their SGA application and wrote their acceptance speech before getting their acceptance letter. You best believe they started campaigning early, and that their “fun fact” during NSOP was sharing their “vast expertise in diverse leadership roles and engaging a dynamic team experience for all.”

The One Who’s Traveled Outside Barnumbia: Marco Polo

“Yeah so, like, while I was abroad…” Okay, this may get annoying after a while, but you sure as shit know, had the situations been reversed, you’d never shut up about it either. This person took a gap year, or perhaps “studied abroad,” in order to fully immerse themselves in the world before or during their time at CU. They have unlimited anecdotes about their experience away and will not miss an opportunity to share them with you.

The One With the Pokemon Tattoo: Stranger Things

Catch this fly mofo playing some late night D&D in Furnald. Comic Con is coming and they already have their Jean-Luc Picard costume ready, to celebrate Patrick Stewart’s return to the iconic role, of course. Their biggest worry is whether or not they’ll run into the aggressively passionate Picard of ’14. *Sigh*

The One We All Think We Are: A Series of Unfortunate Events

They slipped in Ferris walking to a table after waiting 20 minutes for their pasta. They fell down the steps in Diana and their beloved coffee became the paint, their white shirt the canvas. At one point or another, this person is every single student on campus. Every mere ounce of unfortunate shit is bound to happen to them.

The One at the Debutante Ball: The Crown

Cotillion was a staple in their childhood. Do they know how to perfectly execute the “Pretzel” dance move while simultaneously composing a 16-piece place setting? I mean… you don’t? They make the dance classes look way easier than they are and you’re not certain, but you think they were invited to the royal, or as they call them, “Har and Meg’s,” wedding.

The One From Anywhere Below Jersey: The Ranch

This southern thang sure appreciates the South, but sure as shootin’ couldn’t give up the chance to study in the Big Apple. They’re sweet, comforting, learned how to shotgun a beer from their uncle back in ’09, and undoubtedly bring a little warmth to your time at Columbia.

The One Who’s a Really, Really Hopeless Romantic: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

Yeah, their Bumble is absolute fire and it’s no accident. Yeah, they went home with that guy at 1020. Yeah, they seem like the “free bird” of the century, but deep down they just can’t let go of that one crush they had in high school. “I’m not obsessed, I’m just, like, really passionate.” Sure, Jan.

The One Who Uses Google Maps to Find Their Classes: Lost in Space

Freshman or senior, it doesn’t matter. Directions are not their thing and that isn’t going to change. Having three Joe Coffees on campus didn’t help, and it took them till sunrise to find EC during NSOP. Don’t pity them; pity the potential students who ask them for directions.

Columbia Barnard
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