In the Loop
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On Thursday night, the Columbia University Marching Band held Orgo Night outside of Butler Library. As per usual, they offered Columbia students a much-needed break from their late-night cram sessions by putting on a show filled with music, comedy, and a dash of controversy.

The band has faced an administrative ban from Butler 209 since Fall 2016, but that hasn’t totally kept them outside of the library. This time last year, they hid their instruments in Butler 209 the night before the big event and broke them out at 11:59 p.m. to commence the shenanigans, which were met with both the pleasure and displeasure of studying students. They held their last performance outside the library, and earlier this fall, they faced further sanctions after their funding was cut by $15,000.

If you didn’t make it to Orgo Night because you were busy preparing for your exams, getting pancakes at Barnard’s Midnight Breakfast, or trying to catch some z’s, here are CUMB’s five most memorable jokes from one of Columbia’s beloved traditions.

When they called out Columbia Housing and the EC Crisis:

“Perhaps that’s why the most shocking part of Columbia’s Housing Crisis was when Housing decided to actually start paying attention. They went from laissez-faire to authoritarian faster than the US government. When Housing sent out the email about upcoming inspections, there was a mad rush across campus to turn empty vodka bottles into vases and disguise their surge protectors as dildos.”

We probably all saw this joke coming. Between its mold infestation and the lack of ovens (a problem unfortunately “solved” by hot plates), EC has not had its greatest year. And it didn’t help that Columbia decided to start conducting room inspections (like Barnard does every semester). Perhaps it’s time to start considering some senior housing (and party?) alternatives.

When they called out the Ivy League admissions process

“If we really want to make Ivy League admissions fair, we should just abolish affirmative action for white people, better known as: athletic recruitment, legacy admissions, and Midwestern representation.”

Though the kid from Arkansas standing next to me didn’t appreciate the sentiment, we’re glad CUMB decided to call out the controversy surrounding affirmative action. A Spec investigation into Columbia’s recruitment practices revealed that Columbia has failed to recruit prospective applicants from New York City public schools. And, if that wasn’t enough, we’ll remind you: Columbia only became co-ed in 1983.

When they called out the administration’s blatant neglect of sexual misconduct:

“When it comes to getting predators off campus, Columbia is more adrift than Betsy Devos’s yacht in the vast wastes of Ohio. 17 women are suing Columbia for protecting gynecologist Robert Hadden for 20 years even though they knew he was less ‘expert on the female gender’ and more ‘sex offender’. Despite knowing he was guilty, Columbia hid his record like a thumbtack in Ferris potatoes. We haven’t seen such blatant disrespect for human dignity since Jeff Bezos bulldozed public housing in Queens to make room for his helipad.”

It’s the middle of the #MeToo movement, and Columbia has had its own share of professors who are facing allegations of sexual misconduct, which is especially troubling in light of the Trump administration’s newly proposed policies. But, we’re glad to see that CUMB gave a shoutout to our beloved 2018 Best Dining Hall. And is it truly a Columbia comedy performance without referencing gentrification?

When they called out Julian von Abele:

“But don’t worry, you don’t have to wait for your office to get vandalized: Columbia will bring the white supremacy right to you! This past weekend, a CC sophomore decided to get some late-night exercise by goose-stepping his White Man’s Burden across College Walk. The student went on a Blitzkrieg of a rant at nearby students of color that had all the white savior complex of The Help and all the historical accuracy of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.”

Between the anti-Semitic vandalism at Teacher’s College a few weeks ago and the white supremacist incident outside Butler on Sunday, Columbia has (unfortunately) made national headlines more than once in the past month. Barnard has banned von Abele from campus, but Columbia has yet to outline any disciplinary action for him.

When they called out the whitewashed Core:

“Maybe kids are screaming ‘I love white men’ because that’s exactly they’re preaching in LitHum. And learning about people of color is relegated to the Global Core, where you can take classes like Tan Whites of Europe, The Irish Were Slaves Too, or An Inquiry into Ariana Grande’s Ethnicity.”

As much as we are all curious about Ariana Grande’s ethnicity, there are definitely more pressing matters to be explored through our mandatory curriculum. Let us know when Columbia decides to bring some more diverse voices into the classroom.

Between the blistering cold, peppy tunes, and cutthroat comedy, Fall 2018 Orgo Night brought us a delightful distraction from the onslaught of study guides and review sheets. Best of luck with the remainder of finals, folks! If you want to learn more details about the night, check out our live thread on Twitter. | @ColumbiaSpec

Barnard Columbia Orgo Night Marching Band
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