competition

Over the past week or so, with a stomach full of warm dread and a numb mind, I’ve looked several times at a photo on my phone from the night of November 8, 2016: Three friends and I pose, smiling (it was early in the night) somewhere in the middle of a Westin in downtown Denver, the site of several Democratic watch parties.

“John,” my mom says slowly to my dad, her lips starting to twitch. “Maeve set her own hair on fire.”

Last semester, I had a midterm. Actually, I had several, but this one made me think. I was studying abroad in Paris at the time and when I was scheduled to have a dinner with my host family the night before this particular midterm, I planned on begging out of the dinner just to study. But when my host invited several friends to dinner for the sole purpose of meeting me, I knew my plan would be impossible.

On 8 p.m. on a Monday this October, students trickle into Mathematics 509. Professor Ovidiu Savin, the director of undergraduate studies for the math department, walks in, and the room goes silent. Savin is tall and thin and somewhat wry. Today, it seems like his job is mostly to lower expectations.

A couple weeks ago during an icebreaker, I asked one of my classmates to share a fun fact about themselves. They responded, “Well, I don’t really have a fun fact … but I only get four hours of sleep a night.” I remember thinking to myself, “What about that is a ‘fun’ fact?” If anything, my classmate’s confession was a frightening fact—one that was made all the more concerning when I realized that this student is far from alone.

How do you sleep at night? I ask this with none of the sanctimony that usually accompanies the question. I genuinely want to know what it is you tell yourself that allows you the requisite peace of mind to slip into unconsciousness at night. For me, it’s delusion and 3-5 mg of melatonin.

The first thing I noticed about this university is that I don’t say “hi” to people anymore when I cross paths with them, and people sometimes don’t say “hi” back. I’m lucky if I get to sneak in a wave, or even just a smile.

I have a confession: I still don’t recognize some of the famous names etched on the façade of Butler Library. Demosthenes… He was Greek, I assume? Also, I didn’t actually memorize the spelling of “Wednesday” until my mid-20s—my spelling just sucks all around. And I’ve never really understood what a semicolon does.