Senior spring was never supposed to be like this. I had 14 experiences left on my senior bucket list, like dining at a professor’s home, modeling nude for an art class, and sneaking onto the roof of Mudd Hall to watch the sunrise. And then there’s Commencement. I would have walked proudly across a stage to receive my diploma: Jordan Allyn, Barnard College of Columbia University, class of 2020, majoring in American studies with a concentration in visual and performing arts.

The Columbia Elections Board imploded at the end of last semester, but its collapse might have been predestined in 1942.

The Eye—the magazine itself—was named after the author and urban theorist Jane Jacobs’ and her belief that the “eyes on the street” help keep cities safe. The Ear, then, alludes to the stories we’re always listening for.

The Eye—the magazine itself—was named after the author and urban theorist Jane Jacobs’ and her belief that the “eyes on the street” help keep cities safe. The Ear, then, alludes to the stories we’re always listening for.

It seems remarkable that there exists a professor at Columbia who both earned a silver nugget rating on CULPA and has been compared to David Duke by a fellow Columbia professor.

While I sat snug as a bug in a rug, thousands upon thousands of you rushed to your orientation leaders for golden tickets—or rather, orange wristbands. Parents had left. The crash course in socializing had begun.

Open a new tab. (Wait, no, come back so that I can give you the rest of the directions.) Now type “graduating early Columbia University.” You can try modifying your search by making it a full sentence or even adding a question mark. You’ll get the same results.

Can you judge a course by its title?

I consider myself a big sleeper—I try to get 10 hours of sleep every night. I have absolutely no FOMO (fear of missing out) when I leave a party early to sleep, and I always finish my homework by 10:30 p.m. Always. Do I sound cool yet?